Reflections On Women's Issues: Lesbianism.

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Reflections On Women's Issues

by Judy Dolhof from the September 1996 issue of Nexus, the newsletter of Metanoia Ministries. (Reprinted by permission from Christian Coalition for Reconciliation, Michael Newman, director)

Lesbianism - it can strike fear into the heart of anyone who thinks they might be this way, especially a young girl. Most women who have overcome homosexuality in their own lives through the truth of Jesus Christ can attest to common factors that occurred in their lives. One such item is low self-esteem, especially as a child. The woman's concept of herself is basically that of one who is lacking, one who is inadequate, one who is "different." Because fear and shame tend to cause people dealing with these issues to remain silent, the supposed problem only gets bigger (confess your faults one to another, that you may be healed. James 5:16).

Many women noted that during adolescence, they were "late bloomers" or were not particularly drawn to boys. Thus, they were led more easily to believe that they must be attracted to women. If they became friends with other girls who had similar beliefs, the friendship was usually very tight and emotionally close. Before some young women knew it, they were involved in homosexual behavior even though they hardly even knew what it was.

Many ex-lesbians enjoyed sports as children and teenagers. Until recently, this was not necessarily considered "feminine." Some girls began to believe that they had more "masculine" characteristics, and they would develop these traits at the expense of their feminine ones. This caused "gender confusion" - they wondered if they were supposed to have been a boy. A close, sexual relationship with another woman was one way to "get back" the girl's femaleness. Leanne Payne (The Broken Image) calls this "Cannibal Compulsion." Cannibals eat the hearts of victims thinking they will acquire that person's traits, such as courage, purity, etc.

Another common root of lesbianism is a poor relationship with the girl's mother or female care giver. The break in the relationship can be real or just perceived by the girl. At an early age, the girl experiences some event or events that cause her to put up a wall between her and her mother. Thus the normal developmental growth gets thwarted and the girl grows up with a very real lack of female bonding. Elizabeth Moberly (Homosexuality - A New Christian Ethic) sees homosexuality as an attempt to "fix" this lack of attachment to the same sex parent.

Along these same lines, it has been rioted that the marriage relationship of the parents is very important. A strong dominant mother and a passive, uninvolved father often cause the girl to perceive her sexual identity contrary to what the Scriptures teach.

Sexual abuse is a common factor in the lives of lesbians. It is estimated by our ministry that at least 75% of the women we talk with have had sort of abuse in their past. This sets up a confusion about intimacy: close relationships can tend to become sexualized. If the abuse occurred with a man, this underlying fear/distrust of men can cause a woman to feel more comfortable with another female.

Not to be minimized is the role Satan plays in "telling" people they are gay. We believe he knows how to use circumstances to convince women that somehow they are not "normal." Ephesians 6 say, "we wrestle against principalities, powers, rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." However, "as we know the truth, the truth shall set us free." (John 8:32).

How A Woman Feels

The following are some words women we talked to used to describe different feelings and thoughts they had as adolescents: lonely, inadequate, distrusting, confused, disappointed, shameful, perverted, isolated, different.

One woman described how she felt as a teenager this way: "I remember feeling pretty lonely. I longed for friendship, intimacy. I would see a girl from afar and wish that she would notice me. In my mind I would write her poems, buy her gifts. I wanted to be kind, giving. I guess I wanted to be her hero.

When she did respond, I fell in love. Most of my thoughts were about this person and/or our relationship - emotions that had long been buried surfaced. Each physical encounter led to another - first touch, holding, kissing and beyond. Then I became possessive and jealous. I rejected all other relationships, and began to swallow up that person."

What Women Wish They Had Known

Women have expressed they had wished they had known that the "feelings" they had were actually normal needs for love, acceptance, and affirmation. Without that knowledge, the women supposed they were "different", "abnormal", and thus "gay." They wish they had known that while the feelings were normal, the acting out sexually based upon them was not.

Women wish they would have been honest with God about what they were going through, and the feelings they had. They also expressed the wish that they had known of a person they could go to who would understand and be able to offer hope of change, and not just the knowledge that what they were doing was sin. Most of the women knew they were violating God's plan when they first got involved.

Some women said they wish they had known the Bible better, and that they had known for themselves God's love. They said they didn't know at the time that their behavior would eventually lead to emotional dependency and homosexual lust. They also didn't realize that eventually they would experience disappointment, heartache and perversion. ("There is a way that seem right to a man, but the end thereof is death." - Proverbs 14:21). The beginning of the lesbian activity was good - the end result was not. ("sin hath pleasure for a season."- Hebrews 11:25).

Other women wondered why they felt drawn to lesbians: why they enjoyed many of the same activities such as sports, or types of music. Looking back now, they wish they had known that enjoying sports was not an indication of some "problem".

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