Great Expectations. A man wonders about his ability to raise a son with a healthy sexual identity.

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Great Expectations

By Michael Limanni, from the June 2000 issue of Nexus, the newsletter of Metanoia Ministries

The image of our little baby twisted and rotated on the screen as the technician moved the ultrasound wand around my wife's swollen tummy. It finally came to rest at the appropriate spot. We asked if we could find out the sex of the baby. All we could see was the umbilical cord protruding directly out from between the baby's legs, winding it's way off into the distance. She "zoomed in" for a closer look...nothing! No luck on seeing any important details there. "Oh well," said the tech as she tried several different angles to get around the ever present 'cord.' "I guess we may just have to wait until next time. This baby's not cooperating with us."

Just then, as we watched closely, a small section of the umbilical cord closest to the baby's body "moved" while the rest hovered above and behind. "Will you look at that!" she said. "He must have known what we were looking for!" That was no umbilical cord; that was a boy! My boy! My son! My heart leaped, my eyes teared, and my wife and I kissed and cooed as we both delighted in the fact that our second-born was to be the son of my dreams. I was so excited. I had wanted a son ever since I was a teenager. I dreamt of and prayed for the day when I would marry and live a "normal" life, and here it was. What a blessing from the Lord!

Then the doubts started coming. Would I be able to raise a healthy boy - a fully masculine son? Would I be able to measure up to his expectations? Would I measure up to my own? What about sports?? Arghhh!!

I was lousy at most sports, and only barely tolerable at others - how would this effect him? How would I face the challenges of having to relate with other boys' fathers at little league games? Was I masculine enough to hold my own. I quickly became terrified. "I'm no good," I said. "How will I help him?" I kept all this inside. I had not shared my secret struggle with anyone, not even my wife. I had never heard of Metanoia Ministries, or Exodus International. It would be two more years until I attended my first drop-in session, but God knew what He was doing.

What is it like to be a father when you are struggling with your own sexual identity? Is it possible to raise a healthy child in spite of being imperfect or broken yourself? The answer, of course, is a big "Yes!" Christ is sufficient for all our needs, including that of rearing our children. As we study His word, beseech Him in prayer, seek the counsel of those in the body of Christ who have successfully reared their own children, as well as that of balanced, Christian authors on the subject. The Lord will enable us to do His work with our children. They are, after all, His children too.

One of the most important principles you will find as you embark on this journey, is the principle of showing consistent affection to your children as they grow. Dr. James Dobson, noted family psychologist and author, often states that in order for healthy development, our children need physical affection throughout their lives. For me, his most powerful illustration of this point was made when he related to his radio audience that, until we reach our mid- to late-twenties, we understand and accept that we are loved primarily through emotional means (read 'affection'). It is only after this point in our lives that we begin to recognize and accept love through more cognitive means. It is the difference between a hug and a phone call to just see how things are going. According to Dobson, this is especially true for young men. For young women, he notes, this transition occurs a bit sooner.

For those of us who struggle against sexual addictions, be it towards the same or opposite sex, this is usually where fear begins to enter the picture - especially as our children reach teenage or older. We can sometimes start to fear that if we give our child warmly affectionate hugs, or if we tousle around with them on the floor in a mock "wrestling" match, our affection might turn towards a more self-serving direction. What I can tell you is this: All three of my children, ages 10, 4 and even my 2-year-old, love to wrestle with their dad! I enjoy it too. These moments are special times for me to share the more masculine, physical affection that my children need to experience from their father, while, at the same time, learning to exercise the self-control that prevents injury and teaches them to bear with those weaker than themselves.

Be it just a long hug, or a full-blown wrestling match with the whole gang, it feels wonderful inside to give your children affection. It should feel wonderful. How wonderful? It should be about the same feeling you get when you learn they're about to serve your favorite dessert at a banquet, or when you score a point in your favorite game (video or otherwise!), or when you savor deeply the aroma of your favorite flower. If it feels better than that, or if you are fraught with fear that it might, then you should seek the help of a professional counselor. And remember, perfect love, God's love, casts out fear.

With these thoughts in mind, we can recognize that there is no reason to fear showing affection to our children. I don't think we can do so enough. Speaking from the standpoint of my struggle, I know that showering my son with all the affection he craves will only serve to keep him healthy and will fully secure him in his masculine identity. If I fulfill his needs for fatherly love, he will never feel the need to look for it in the arms of another man.

Joe Dallas says in his book Desires in Conflict, "Male nurturing is a boy's earliest experience of his father's love. Infants are, ideally, accepted unreservedly by their dads. In a healthy family, a father gives his infant son unqualified affection and attention. He delights in his boy, cooing over him and regarding him with admiration. He displays open affection for the child, comforting him, playing with him, and (very important) actively pursuing him. He makes his son feel wanted and sought after, a prize and delight to his father."

In the end, we must recognize our healing comes in stages. Here a "little" miracle, there a taste of victory, from glory, to glory we are transformed into the image of Christ. It happens in the most unexpected ways. David often comes to me, usually at bedtime, asking if he can "snuggle" with me for a little while. As he crawls up into my lap, I hold him close and sing him his special lullaby. Then, he'll ask me to carry him up to bed and to pray over him. Afterwards, David will often say, "Daddy...I love you...a whole bunch!" As I kiss him and scruff his hair, I reply, "I love you too, David," and I am healed once more.

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