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BEGINNINGS and Metanoia Ministries
- Equipping the Church |
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Father "Figures" How Fathers Figure Into Gay and Lesbian
Choices By J. Michael Brown from the June 2000 issue of Nexus, the newsletter of Metanoia Ministries The issue of homosexuality initially impacted my life when my first wife abandoned our marriage for a lesbian relationship, and then again when my stepson became involved in homosexuality. Through counseling, conferences, and extensive reading, I have come to realize how much a father "figures" into the causes and the healing process of homosexuality. For men who are reading this article, please do not write this off as more 'male bashing.' We men are a key ingredient in both the processes into and out of homosexuality. We have a wonderful opportunity to make a positive difference, not just in the lives of our loved ones, but others in our church and community who need healthy, male role models. I was fortunate to have grown up in a loving Christian home. My parents were committed to God, each other and their children. I am now in my early fifties and have heard thousands of sermons, yet I have never heard the subject of homosexuality preached! When my second wife and I discovered her son was involved, we were totally unprepared and initially, made many mistakes. Fortunately, we did seek counsel and began researching the subject on our own. I read every Christian-based book I could find. Through my research, a major change took place in me. The Lord opened my eyes and He softened my heart. I began to realize three important things:
There is never just one factor that causes a person to identify themselves as homosexual. Each person has a unique story and we must not stereotype! However, there are many common indicators that can serve as helpful tools in areas such as:
The most common denominator in homosexuality is a lack of bonding with the same-sex parent. There are over twice as many men in our society who struggle with homosexuality as women, and in recent years the numbers have increased. Why? In same-sex bonding, it is the male who has to break the natural bond with the mother and begin bonding with the father. In the last forty years we have seen divorce rates sky-rocket. In single-parent homes, guess who is almost always the one absent! Even when the father is there, if he is distant, uninvolved, or abusive; the results can be the same. So why don't all male children in such circumstances turn to homosexuality? One reason is the child with a strong personality will often adapt better than the shy and sensitive child (or will develop other destructive behavior). When the father is absent or abusive, the mother usually tries to compensate by being overly protective and involved in the child's life. Sometimes the mother will use the child as her confidante, in the absence of the husband, and place on the child, roles and responsibilities s/he should never have to deal with during their formative years. The girl in the family also needs to have a positive father figure for a healthy relationship with men. A common denominator in those struggling with lesbianism is sexual molestation by a male; usually an older relative or friend of the family. In order to avoid such devastating assaults, they will often dress and act more masculine to make themselves less attractive to men. The tomboy role can also develop when the daughter realizes or senses her father wanted a boy instead of a girl. My first wife had a father who was verbally and physically abusive. She also knew he had wanted a son. She became a tomboy, went out for sports, and tried to be the best at everything she did. Whenever we were at her parents' house, she would brag about her accomplishments and challenge her younger brother in intellectual pursuits in order to get her father's attention and approval. There was never any physical affection or an "I love you" from him. My stepson, Derek, had a father who was physically abusive to his mother when he drank. Derek experienced the trauma of separation as they divorced, and separation again when he and his mom moved to Washington to stay with her parents. There he lived with an overbearing grandfather. This all took place during the critical first five years of his life. Derek's mom did what any loving mother would have done. She tried her best to protect him and be both parents. The result was the classic "smother mother" syndrome. When she and I met, we began dating steadily. Within a short time Derek was calling me "Dad," which shows how desperately he needed a father figure. I quickly developed a fatherly love for him, but saw him as a "momma's boy" and thought it my duty to make a man out of him. We have very different personalities, but I tried to make him a "little Mike." When he was in elementary school, we were advised to get him into sports. He wasn't comfortable in group athletic endeavors and our attempts to get him involved caused him even more pain. As Derek grew older, he and I struggled more, which resulted in him drawing ever closer to his mother. The need for a son to bond with the father never goes away. The male involved in homosexuality is often unknowingly trying to satisfy that need. A male lover can't provide it and therefore long term, monogamous relationships are rare. This is why a critical part of coming out of homosexuality is having healthy, male role models. If the father is not there to provide the support, we men who are brothers in Christ need to be! But we have to overcome our old stereotypes of homosexuality and false macho images. Women coming out of homosexuality need to know there are "safe" men. They need healthy Christian father figures and friends. Families who befriend those struggling with homosexuality can provide a much-needed environment that reinforces the Christian family model. I believe many marriages broken by homosexuality as well as children growing up thinking they are gay, could be saved if more churches were providing proper teaching in this area. I wish I had such training when Derek was young so I could have seen the warning signs. Maybe I would have been able to help him build his self confidence more and encouraged him more in the areas he excelled, instead of trying to make him fit my mold. I am now convinced we fathers need to find our sons' areas of interest and get interested ourselves, regardless of how uninteresting it may be to us at first. Today Derek and I have a pretty good relationship. His mother and I have admitted our mistakes and have asked for forgiveness. We have let him know we love him unconditionally. Regardless of the decisions he makes, we will always, be there for him. When he had a partner living with him, we let them know that, while we disapproved of their lifestyle, we cared about both of them and we made sure his partner was included in family activities. The old saying "hate the sin, love the sinner" is easier said than done, but it must be done! This is especially true when dealing with homosexuality since most are convinced they were born that way and do not believe they are sinning. We need to show them the truth, but first they must know we love them and accept them where they are. There has to be a balance of truth and love. You can't have one without the other. The "figures" are clear. The father is a critically important figure in the nurture of both the male and female children in the family. It is never too late for us men to learn to be the Christian male role model. Our children need it, our wives need it, and the homosexual struggler sitting next to us in the pew desperately needs it. Jesus continually exhibited a strong, yet tender spirit. The way He treated children, women, and those who came from questionable lifestyles should be our role model. It figures! Back to Articles | Back to Resources
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