Excerpts from A Diary Part 2. Robert Taylor, Director of Metanoia Ministries. Telling my parents.

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Excerpts From A Diary Part 2

The following is an excerpt from my diaries that I have kept over the years. The time of this writing was around May, 1989. The focus of this writing was about telling my parents. May you be blessed in your reading.
— Rev. Robert Taylor

This morning I don't know what to do. I'm definitely in the desert. I believe my condition is no different than the drug addicts, alcoholics, overeaters, or other sins. I want to be free but I don't know what my part is, Lord.

How do I build back in to a heterosexual life? I renounce my homosexual tendencies, thoughts, desires and lusts. Yet I still have them - desires. An overeater still wants food, the drug addict his drugs, the alcoholic his drink. But what do I want? What is it the homosexual needs and can only get from the same sex? There is something I desire from other men yet I cannot isolate this something. And when I do isolate it, I believe you Jesus can give it to me. Because you are the King of kings and Lord of lords. Please help me isolate what it is I need from other men so my struggle can be eased. I take your yoke upon me for it is light.

Do I tell my parents? The thought is terrifying to me. I don't know what they would do. Utterly Terrifying! Oh Lord if there is any way that they can be spared this please let it happen. Their humiliation, hurt, sense of failure, a vacuum would be created in their lives.

Who do I tell Lord? My pastor, friends, the whole church - who needs to know? Everyone? No one? I am afraid to tell my pastor because if it had to be public, I would have to leave the church and so would my parents. The shame would be so great for all of us. They'd hate me because I wrecked something they loved and I don't think I could handle their hating me. It would be devastating. I would run their name through the mud. If the church was forgiving then I would risk it. Maybe they would too.

God help me. You're all I have right now. This is good.

New Beginnings

Looking back at these writings has been quite interesting for me to say the least. Over 10 years ago, I see how far I have come. It truly is amazing.

My comparisons to alcoholics, drug addicts, etc. were true but I have learned so much more. Healing is more than stopped behaviors. But that was all I knew at the time. That was what I thought healing was really about.

Now I know better. Don't get me wrong. Stopping behavior has its place in the healing process. At that time in my life, just stopping behavior was something I couldn't even imagine.

Today, I know healing is far greater than behavior. It transcends the physical and enters into the heart and thus the spiritual.

Continually, the guys in our groups see the behavior. Our goal is to show them the behavior isn't all God wants to change in you. Know that there is a whole lot more He wants to do - the behavior might be the least of it for awhile!

Maybe that is hard for you to believe. I hope not. I will confess it was hard for me to believe that God wanted to heal my broken relationship with Him first and foremost.

Healing from homosexuality or anything for that matter is a byproduct of our relationship with our Creator. Seeking the Healer instead of the healing is the key. To do otherwise is to form an idol.

By the way, I did tell my parents. It was not easy. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. It was one of the hardest things my parents ever did too! More on that another time.

We are not alone. You are not alone. He is the King of kings and Lord of lords.

Always and forever.

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