Excerpts from A Diary Part 1. Personal diaries of Robert Taylor, Director of Metanoia Ministries.

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Excerpts From A Diary Part 1

The following is an excerpt from my diaries that I have kept over the years. The time of this writing was around May, 1989. It is my hope that it will help others who read these words.
— Rev. Robert Taylor

If I knew who God was I wouldn't have this problem I guess. There are some big things in my heart but I don't know how to change them. Personal stuff that only God knows. I tried to fix it myself. Like I was lonely and so I started to go to parties. I was meeting all kinds of people. Partying like crazy. After the parties, and the people, I was still lonely. I got into all kinds of trouble.

"Faggot, Hey faggot" they shouted at me. The tears rolled down my face. I got on my little red wagon and started home. I remember that I was about eight.

The teasing continued. Jr. High was hell. Peers called me gay behind my back and to my face! Some guys called me gay and I can remember thinking "You don't even know me. How can you say I'm gay? You've never even talked to me. There is a person in here."

F-a-g-g-o-t - a lazy person. I remember looking it up in the dictionary. I didn't know what it meant. I just knew that I didn't want to be it or one because of how the kids said it to me. To
think it meant a lazy person. So what? I wasn't lazy at all as a kid.

I learned later what it really meant. I was devastated. But maybe they were right. Maybe they saw something in me that I didn't see.

New Entry

How could you? Why did you betray my trust? I didn't have a choice when I was eight years old and was being abused by my uncle. I didn't get to say NO! STOP! DON'T UNCLE PAUL! I didn't get to choose NO! I had to do what he wanted to.

Today, the only control over the situations of the past I have is who I share with. It is my choice to tell someone, not yours!

To trust that person is up to me and it is my choice, today, regarding who and when I tell about the events of my past. I didn't have any control then as a child. But today I control those events through who and when I share with someone and when I do not.

Will you see with me how your telling someone forces me to do something that I don't want to do? I have no choice again. All of my options are voided. I am violated all over again. My trust is betrayed.

There are no options for me once you have told someone.

What had happened here is that a friend of mine had told my whole story to one of his friends. I barely knew the person and felt betrayed.

I am amazed at the times I counsel with men and women at Metanoia Ministries and hear of similar situations in their lives. It has happened more than I care to count. Yet one must ask why?

Confidentiality and the Church

The concept seems true enough.

Many would believe that we are to listen to friends and family members and regard their sharing their innermost thoughts as a privilege. However, It seems to not always work out that way.

One thing to do would be to ask the person if it is all right to share with someone else what they said. Be specific who you want to share with and get their permission.

If you are married it is important not to keep secrets for others or from each other. Let the person know upfront that what they are about to share will be communicated with your spouse. As long as they know that up front, it should not be a problem.

Much hurt and pain can be avoided by following these simple principles.

"A safe place exists because of safe people."

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